Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
