I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
