he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
