She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
