I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
