i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i permit you to call me
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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