yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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