Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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