i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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