mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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