went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
