if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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