ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom