Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
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i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"