God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
