I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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