I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
