Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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