I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
