you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
