How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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