Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
