So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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