He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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