my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
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Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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