My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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