that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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