I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
NoShamevember. You game?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
