I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
