I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
