If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The ass gains better be worth it
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