My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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