I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
