you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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