paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
