my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
