there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
