I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
