Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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