porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
