girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
