your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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