I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
did you just send me my own nude
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
