3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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