im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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