I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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