my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
