Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
