i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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