Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.