and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"