You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.