I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?