She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
