Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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