"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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