I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
