How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
