Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
