I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
